GenCon Eve

I just flew in to Indianapolis, and boy are my arms tired. OK, I actually drove. So my arms are fine, but my ass is tired. After a long two-day drive, we are right in the middle of the beginning of the annual convocation of nerdity.

I lied again. We're not in the midddle of anything. Asmodee books rooms in a hotel that is like ten miles away from the convention center. We just went to a bar, and were the nerdiest people there. I mean, that's not saying a lot, because we're pretty nerdy, but I mean everyone else was totally normal. Not one person was wearing a t-shirt with dorky sayings or pictures of stormtroopers or a bat symbol. I mean, aside from me.

But still! We are only ten miles away from the nerdiest show on Earth, and we had dinner at Steak & Shake and saw a guy wearing a camo shirt and elf ears. So we're definitely here, smack-dab in the middle of game nerdvana.

Not sure what to expect from this trip. In the past, I always stayed right downtown, and met up with the other 20 or so friends who always visit each other's hotel rooms and stay up until 2 in the morning playing games and talking about how much we love playing games designed for children. Earlier this evening, I went and visited the huge room 15 of my friends share where they bring in crates of booze and a pinball machine, and nobody gets any sleep. But now I'm pretty sure I am actually in a suburb  of Indianapolis, and I am not entirely certain what's happening tomorrow.

I would tell you that I'll give you a full GenCon report later, but I would be a liar. There are two reasons why I will not write a full GenCon report. First, those reports tend to be boring, unless I'm making fun of people who dress like homosexual demons who eat too much fried food. I hate reading GenCon reports. They usually go something like this:

"Stinkzilla Press had their game Go Big Or Go Home But Really, Just Go Home, and there was a long line for it because it was new. Garbage Games had their latest game The Thing That Did Something Amazing, and there was a long line for it because it was new. And finally, Douchebag Publishing was here with their brand new game Rechurned Crap, and even though nobody has any idea what it is about, the line was around the block because they had a full-color ad at BGG and everybody started stabbing each other and bludgeoning their friends with stones so they could get a copy. Then we left, because we are scared of crowds."

GenCon reports are BORING. Seriously, if you publish GenCon summary reports, stop doing that. They are less interesting than checking the business pages for the price of stock you don't own. If you can't punch it up and do something worth reading, just write another boring review of a boring game and pretend it's awesome so the publishers will send you more crap for free.

The second reason I won't write a GenCon report is because it is nearly impossible to actually tell you what this show is like. I mean, there are hundreds of game publishers, thousands of events, and tens of thousands of sweaty nerds with hygiene issues and underdeveloped social skills. Many of them are wall-eyed, though that can hardly be their own fault. I blame ugly parents.

Seriously, there is simply too much happening here to sum it up in any meaningful way, and trying to sum it up for people who have never seen it is nearly impossible. Instead, I intend to play some games I haven't played before and write a regular ol' review for Friday night. I have games at home I could play, but all I brought with me this trip was The Resistance, so that I could rope ten of my closest friends into playing with me so I can deceive them for my own entertainment.

If you are here at the show, stop by the Asmodee booth tomorrow and come see me. I will drop everything to greet you warmly and shake your hand, possibly even hug you, unless I don't do that and do what is actually far more likely, which would be to barely acknowledge your presence and hope you go away. One of those things, or something in-between, will definitely be what I will do.

Unless you bring a Sharpie. Then I will sign your boobs.

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Card Game Review - Smash Up

Ninjas team up with zombies to battle futuristic robots and dinosaurs with lasers.

If that sounds really stupid to you, you can stop reading. If, like me, you think that sounds like a buckshot blast of kick-ass, Smash Up might be exactly your brand of psychotic.

In Smash Up, you're going to assemble your deck by combining any two of the eight factions available to you. You might decide that green-skinned Martians work best with the little people from Doby Gillis, or you might put the wizards and the pirates together to see what happens when Harry Potter gets cabin fever on the HMS Pinafore. Then you play your cards and try to grab up bases to get enough points to win.

However you decide to build your deck, you'll only have two kinds of cards. Minions go on bases, and contribute their strength to the contest, and actions mess with everyone else or make you stronger or kill people or buy tacos. You can use tacos to feed to other people at the table so that they will drip hot sauce and liquid fat onto your cards. So you may not want that card.

There are actually lots of different effects in play, and each team does something different. The dinosaurs (the ones with lasers) are really good at being really strong. The pirates can move around a lot, and it's tough to kill someone when they won't stand still. The Martians keep abducting people, and the zombies simply refuse to stay dead. Combine the factions that work best for you, and get ready to blast something with eye lasers and magic wands.

The drafting part of the game, where everybody carefully picks decks to try to balance out their opponents, is a very important part of the game, and requires you to have some experience with the cards. If, for instance, you see your opponent snatch up the gnomes and leprechauns, you know that they have all manner of ongoing actions - and the ninjas will shut that right down. If your opponent snags the wizards, you know he's going to have a lot of chances to play cards, so you're going to have to overpower him. I suggest mechanically augmented dinosaurs.

Then you have to play right. There's a lot to think about, which is how I like my games. You'll have from three to five different places to play your minions, and you'll need to guess how the other people at the table will play on their turns. The bases have different effects, and the various minions have wildly different abilities, and you'll have to consider all of that before you decide whether your freshly resurrected zombie horde will descend on the alien homeworld or the pirate island of Tortuga.

Smash Up really is a very fun game, but it's not perfect. They tell you that there are all these different ways to mix and match, but some are a lot better than others. Some decks are really heavy with minions, and others have a ton of actions. And while actions are good, minions are a lot better. Actions might let you do all manner of cool things, but only minions can grab bases, and grabbing bases is how you win the game.

For example, the fairy kingdom is chock full of outstanding ongoing actions, but doesn't have as many minions as other decks. The ninjas also don't have a lot of minions, but they have cool actions that will shut down all those ongoing actions. But if you build a deck with ninjas and little people, you get a bunch of great cards that are best used to shut down all your own cards. And not enough minions.

Other combinations are staggering. The dinosaurs are huge. The robots will swarm like mutated cockroaches. Put those two together, and you could have an unstoppable juggernaut. By the same token, the pirates-plus-wizards combo deck is crazy powerful and incredibly versatile.

So sure, theoretically you can combine any two decks to play the game, but there are several combinations that are a bad idea, and a few that are a no-brainer. This would seem to contradict the spirit of the ultimate mix-and-match game, and it would seem that way because it does.

On the other hand, once you learn how to play this silly, fast-paced game, Smash Up is a lot of fun. It's not complicated, but it's got some good depth, and if you have the right combination of factions, you'll have a great time blowing up your enemies and laughing as they die. And if they are zombies, they will have the last laugh when they rise from the grave and come right back again.

Summary

2-4 players

Pros:
Crazy mash-up theme
It's fun to build your strategy by combining the cards you want
Tough decisions make games more entertaining

Cons:
Crazy mash-up theme
Not quite as mix-and-match as it pretends to be

You can't get Smash Up yet. You have to go to GenCon to get one, or you have to wait until September.

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Announcement About Ads

You may have noticed an extra ad in my little ad strip over to the side there (unless you're seeing the mobile site on your phone or something, and it just doesn't show you ads, thereby saving the trouble of seeing pictures of zombie Mitt Romney eating a baby). It's an ad for Plaid Hat Games, and obviously sort of implies an endorsement of that company.

And that is exactly what it is. I don't charge for that little spot. The only way I will advertise for a game publisher is if I am a big fan. Plaid Hat Games currently has three games - Summoner Wars, Dungeon Run and Mice & Mystics - and two of those are simply fantastic games. I don't much care for Dungeon Run, but I heartily endorse the other two, and think you should buy them.

That ad will run for a month or so. If you're a publisher and you want some free pimping, tell me. I will have to play your games, and furthermore, I will have to like them. If I don't like what you've got, no amount of ad revenue will buy my endorsement. (That is not technically true. I will advertise Yahtzee, if they pay me a million bucks. But after that, I'm giving up game reviews and retiring.)

I can think of several other game companies who could get some free rent on that spot. AEG makes tons of games I would happily play any time. Asmodee is simply fantastic. I may not care for Fantasy Flight's marketing guys, but I love an awful lot of their games, and would be fine with recommending them. But there are a lot of smaller companies I would be fine with advertising, too, like the guys who make Sentinels of the Multiverse.

So anyway, if you see an ad for a game publisher in the margin to the side of the reviews, you can rest assured that I actually do recommend that you buy their games. I'm still not in this for the money (just the free games).

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Board Game Review - Libertalia

If you're headed to GenCon next week, you'll have first dibs on a brand new game from Asmodee called Libertalia. I would tell you how everyone is talking about it, but honestly, I don't really follow who is saying what any more. I'm like a hermit living in a cave above the village who just comes out once a month to buy toenail clippers and porn.

But no matter what people are saying, Libertalia is going to be a big deal. It's an exceptionally fun game with gorgeous art, which is beginning to be par for the course when it comes to Asmodee. In fact, the art is good enough that you'll want to play the game just to see all the pictures. Of course, you could just open the box and look at all the cards to see the amazing illustrations, but who buys a game just to see the art (outside, like, most of us, if we were being honest)?

The art in Libertalia is telling you how good the game is, and it's not lying. This is a really smart game. It's tense and surprising and fun. What could be a simple game of blind bidding for the best prizes becomes a cutthroat power play with more depth than you thought you were going to find.

The basics are pretty… well, basic. There are six rounds of bidding, and you're all holding the same cards. You each pick a card, reveal them at the same time, and then you pick prizes in order of your card's rank. It's pretty easy, and if Reiner Knizia had made the game, you would be done now.

But Reiner didn't make the game, some French guy made the game, and he knew enough to ratchet it all up a notch. Every card you play is a character - the governor's daughter, the first mate, the gambler or the beggar. And every character has a special ability, and they all take place at a different time. The captain gets you paid right now, but he could cost you a lot later. The carpenter is almost the opposite - paying for him now will hurt, but it will be worth it if you can keep him alive for later, when he gets paid double what he cost you.

In fact, the abilities on these characters can be more interesting than the bidding war itself. You'll want the quartermaster to be dead before the end of the week, so you'll have to wait to play your governor (who hangs all the pirates). If you can't get all of the treasure map, the tavern wench will let you cash in a part of it for some quick cash. And if you're just not sure what everyone else is going to play, throw down the parrot and pick your card after everyone else picks theirs.

If this was the end of the strategic decisions, Libertalia would still be a remarkably good game. But it is not the end, because every time you choose, you'll have to take a good look at the pirate's booty (which is great if the pirate is Megan Fox, not so much if the pirate is Ned Beatty).

(Yes, I plan on making more pirate booty jokes. It's easy, and I'm lazy.)

The most obvious choice for the booty tokens would be to make them all varying degrees of treasure, and just let you compete for them. And about half of the prizes are just that - goods, jewels or chests of gold that are all worth having. But the rest of the booty is interesting and potentially dangerous, like Jennifer Lopez after a Taco Bell bean salad. The saber can be used to kill your opponents. The Spanish soldier will kill your character. The treasure map is worthless unless you can get all three pieces of it, and the cursed mask will actually cost you money later. Sometimes you're not bidding to grab the best stuff. Sometimes you're just trying to make sure you don't get stuck with the booty that has Montezuma's revenge.

(OK, I'll stop. Diarrhea jokes at a game blog? Gross. Just juvenile. Instead, I'll remind you to come to GenCon so I can sign your boobs.)

There are a dizzying number of decisions to make at every stage of Libertalia. Even if you play smart and win the bid, you could still end up picking the wrong prize. Sometimes it's good to get killed. Sometimes it's better to let your opponent get the big treasure as long as you avoid the execution.  Sometimes you'll throw caution to the wind and just try to get your hands on the biggest booty.

(I know I said I would stop. But if you're being honest with yourself, you didn't really want me to.)

Libertalia is a surprisingly deep game, especially since you can read and understand the rules in ten minutes (compared to Mage Knight, which I have been trying to read through for two weeks now). The art is simply fantastic, and the theme is a hoot. Great opportunities for long-term strategy, agonizing decisions, and a complete absence of blind luck make Libertalia an immensely satisfying and engaging game that you can enjoy in an hour. And best of all, you can spend the whole time making crude innuendo about pirate butts.

Summary

2-6 players

Pros:
Gut-wrenching decisions
Crucial strategy
Exceptional depth in a game that is easy to learn
Breathtaking art
Super fun

Cons:
Can't think of one

Since Libertalia isn't out yet, I can't get you a link. But if you go to GenCon, you can buy one. The game, not a link. You can't buy a link.

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Card Game Review - Ninjitzoo

I hate when a perfectly good theme gets ruined by a bad game. A game where ninja-trained animals escape from the zoo sounds like it should be a hoot. When your ninjanimal can use a bamboo pole and a wad of chewed gum to vault over a fence and foil the guards, there's some serious promise here. And when the animals have goofy names like Camoukazee and Dung Fu and Bruce Flea, you should have a fun game on your hands.

Sadly, when the game has virtually no meaningful decisions and a poorly balanced distribution of different kinds of cards, the game can go from hilarious and silly to arbitrary and frustrating. Still silly, just not fun.

That's what happened with Ninjitzoo. It's got a funny name, a funny premise and a funny cast of funny characters. The art is a little basic, but it's also amusing and entertaining. So how do you take a story that could be this much fun and make it appeal mostly to the same kids who would get a kick out of Snakes & Ladders?

You start with a handful of ninjanimals, each with different skills and talents. Then you get hands of cards that give you escape routes, helpful items, surprise actions and aggravating obstacles. If you can find the right combination of talent and equipment, you can send wise Mooshu the pig over the fence and out to freedom - as long as your opponents don't stop you by alerting the guards, tripping the laser defenses, or throwing spotlights in your path.

So far, so good. But the problem is all in the execution. There are too many escape routes and not enough items. You could go the whole game without drawing the stuff you need and losing your entire hand because you hit a vein of escape routes that empty out your hand. You could have a handful of obstacles you don't want to play because nobody else can escape, either.

To make matters worse, even if the card distribution was better, the cards themselves just don't provide any good options. I want to hold the killer combination for just the right moment, agonize over which card to discard to jump the wall, and set up an amazing escape using hand soap to slick up the escape route and a set of blinders to hide your eyes when your opponent puts a naked girl in the way to distract you (for the record, there are no naked girls in this game. But that would have made the game better).

Instead, the winner is going to be the person who has the right cards at the right time. There are almost no scenarios where it's not immediately obvious which cards would be your best play, and this means that you could set a couple robots to play for you while you watch Matlock reruns and run through a bag of Tostitos and bean dip. You could just come back after ten minutes and go, 'hey, robots, did I win?' and the robots will just sit there because robots don't talk, unless they're that creepy chick you hear in iPhone commercials where Zooey Deschanel dances in her socks instead of cleaning her house (and we're supposed to believe that she doesn't have enough money to afford a housekeeper).

There's a decent game hidden in Ninjitzoo. You can see it when you play with a different number of players - try it with two players, and it's more than just bland, it's almost actively stupid. Play with three or four, and the game gets a lot better. Not good, but better than with two. There's more variety and interaction with more people, but there still aren't smart plays and clever decisions, and more than anything else, that's what Ninjitzoo needs. It's got the story, the art and the characters. It's got the quirky humor. But it doesn't have the part of the game where it's a good game, and that makes all the other stuff just pointless.

Summary

2-4 players

Pros:
Funny theme
Cute and relevant art
Good design
Kooky characters

Cons:
A lack of meaningful decisions
Frustrating card distribution
Not actually a very good game

If you really want to try Ninjitzoo, you can preorder it through Pozible, right here:
BLAND FLYING KICKS

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Announcement - Indy Bound

Last week was a big long ordeal of bad news, but this week, I have good news - I am going to GenCon this year. I really can't wait. I haven't been to GenCon in a few years, and frankly, I miss it.

I was still not planning on going this year, but things just kind of worked out. As some of you may know, I have a side gig doing a little writing (mostly editing) for Asmodee. Earlier this year, they asked me if I could help out in their GenCon booth. Being a helpful guy, I shrugged and said, 'well, if that's what you need…'

No, that is not what I said. What I said was more like, 'Oh, hell yes! Free hotel and a vendor badge? Where do I sign?' They were also going to buy me a plane ticket, but I don't fly, so I will be driving there.

(Quick clarification: I am not scared to fly. I have been in planes more times than I can count, and it doesn't frighten me at all. But the seats are too small and crush my six-foot-two frame, and I always end up sitting next to some fat guy who smells like moldy fruit, and the guy in front of me loves to take a nap, which he can only do if he reclines far enough that I can examine his head lice. I hate having my luggage lost, or even worse, having my luggage get left out on the runway during a tropical storm that soaks every garment I own before the bag is stuffed into a baggage compartment that gets to 100 degrees and makes all my clothing smell like damp pig farts. And even if I could live with all that, there's no way I intend to subject myself to voluntary molestation at the hands of some minimum-wage junior-high dropout who gropes by my ballsack because he's finally found himself a position with more power than the guy who has to clean the toilet at the all-night porn theater.)

So my old man is driving here from Idaho (incidentally, the trip from Idaho to Texas is very long) and then we will drive together to Indianapolis (for the record, the trip from Texas to Indiana is also very long). We will share my free hotel room, split gas money, and have a very good time.

I am really hoping to see some good costumes this year. In years past, I was less tolerant, but as time passes, I find myself much more willing to put up with some silliness. Hell, you're at GenCon. Where else can a middle-aged man wear a skirt and a tiara and go out in public? Come to think of it, I still hope I do not see that costume. Or the granny whose sagging butt can be seen through her fairy outfit. Man, that one still wakes me up sometimes. But I am still looking forward to hot chicks dressed as slave Leia, or impressive Drizzt costumes, or totally bizarre stuff that doesn't make one bit of sense whatsoever but still looks kind of bad-ass.

If you are planning to go to GenCon, you can find me at the Asmodee booth. If you come by and see a bald dude with a shrubby beard, that would be me, unless my dad is spotting me, in which case the bald guy with the shrubby beard is not me, it is my old man.

And here's the part where I sweeten the deal. If you bring a Sharpie and wear a Drake's Flames t-shirt (either of them, I'm not proud), I will sign your boobs. Yes, really. But since that incredibly awesome t-shirt will be covering your boobs, I may have to sign your hairy belly instead. It's up to you, but you probably don't want to stretch the collar on that fantastic garment.

I am desperately hoping someone takes me up on that offer. Man or woman, I don't care. And hopefully someone will take a picture. I can think of few pictures more hilarious than me scribbling my name on some tubby dude's fur-covered beer gut. I mean, how awesome would that be? Pretty awesome, is how awesome.

It's only a week away, so if you're going to be wearing a Drake's Flames t-shirt, you probably better order one tonight. I'm leaving a week from Tuesday, and you'll want to have that spiffy shirt in hand for the first day. I've added an ad over to the side there, so you can find the shirt store easily, and here's the direct link to the store:

SWEET TEES

I will be back Wednesday with an actual review of an actual game, and there should theoretically be a couple more before I leave for the show. After that, I will see you in Indianapolis, unless you don't go to GenCon, or unless you don't stop by the Asmodee booth, or unless you do stop by and I'm out getting a hot dog, or unless I'm in the bathroom because I ate a GenCon hot dog.

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Sorry, We're Out Of The Cod

So headaches and earwigs and dead rats. It's been a miserable week. I haven't played anything new, and I haven't slept, and I think I am going to spend my morning at the emergency room. Long story short, these are not the reviews you're looking for. The magic eightball says, 'Try again later.'

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